Infomercialism

Can you imagine how we ever wiped up spills or dried cars or blew our nose before "Sham-wow?"

What did we ever do when we were cold on the couch and wanted to read a book or talk on the phone before the invention of the "Snuggie?"

How did we ever put up with broken coffee cup handles, leaky garden hoses, and pulling 18-wheeler's with regular-strength putty before the invention of "Mighty Putty?"

And why would we ever, ever go back to exercising ever again with regular exercise balls now that we all know about the "Bender Ball?"

I'm guessing most of you have seen these commercials, and perhaps some of you have even dropped the dough (plus "processing and handling," which is the new "shipping and handling) to purchase these miracle products. Not being much of a television person, I have seen my fair share of these new, primetime, unrelenting, too-good-to-be-true infomercials in just a few hours logged on the tube. Not only are these commercial more prolific than they were in the days when Cher and Chuck Norris were trying to sell us make-up and gym equipment, they are hitting the mainstream networks, airing at hours that normal people are awake!

It also seems like every other commercial requires you to turn down the volume as that "Al Borland" loud mouth look-alike Billy Mays comes screaming through your surround sound. Selling so many products, he forgets to change out of his "Orange-Glo" as he tries to convince you that miniature burgers that come in fives are better than an acceptable amout at a more reasonable size (Big City Slider.) Why should we even trust a guy who apparently knows so much about topics ranging from clean bathrooms to master gardening to culinary masterpieces? Although we all can't grow such a convincing beard as Mr. Mays, can't we all don an embroidered shirt and yell at the camera while reading off cue cards?

I'd buy a wrench, hammer, flannel shirt, or beard trimmer from Al

The general public is oviously sold on these products, as the infomercial is now exceeding $91 billion a year!! Yes, that is BILLION . . . three orders of magnitude larger that $91 million. At $19.95 a piece, that figure amounts to 1.9 billion Ped Eggs a year (that includes the free one at that price, but NOT including the $6.99 S&H fee PER EGG!! which I doubt is included in the $91 billion, even though that's where they are REALLY making their money. Just ask the Video Professor guy, who will send you a FREE CD for only $6.95!)

It doesn't look like these commercial annoyances are going away anytime soon, so look for Mr. Mays to barge into your living room many more times in the future, especially since I don't think that "Sham Wow" guy with the creepy eye, nasaly voice and Garth Brooks headset is going to take any product endorsement opportunities away from Billy Boy.

What I'd like to see hit the market are things that would make my life easier.

• A "Math-Wow" pill, whereby students of mathematics can "soak up" all the knowledge and skills necessary to pass one of my tests.
• An un-microwave to rapidly cool down the food you accidentally overheated in the microwave, like Hot Pocket filling.
• Duct tape that is insulated enough to quiet the dampened muffles coming out of a taped mouth.
• A robot that will go to work and earn money for you so you can stay home and watch television and blog more.
• Food that doesn't make you fat but still tasted good . . . that also makes itself and cleans up the dishes afterward.
  
• Bathrooms that don't get dirty to begin with.
• A product called the "Perfect Pushup" that actually make pushups easier and not more difficult.
• A cell phone that doesn't take picture, doesn't take movies, doesn't access the internet, can't play music, and doesn't send of receive text messages, but only makes and receives phone calls.
  
• An automatic "MUTE" button that activates as soon as a Billy Mays commercial comes on.
  

Anniversary Bliss

Sunday, my wife and I celebrated our 12th year of being married . . . to each other. By celebrating, I mean in the fashion that two 30-somethings with two children can do: A restaurant with a kid's menu and ice skating for three hours. It seemed very apropos.

What you might think was a very uneventful, unromantic was actually one of the most funnest days (double superlative for affective effect) I've ever had with my whole family that didn't involve someone getting their butt whipped afterward. In other words, it was at least eventful . . .

With our anniversary coming right on the heels of Christmas, it's always hard to find that "perfect" gift for the wife that Santa didn't already bring her. That means this year that pretty anything except new undergarments is fair game. But therein lies the problem. . . what do you get for the woman who has everything (and me)???? This is what made shopping for her at Christmas so difficult. As much as she likes "frugality" as a gift, it sure is uneventful to unwrap it.

That's why this year, I treated her to a day that was exactly what the kids wanted. Just seeing them smile and skate around the rink for hours meant that she didn't have to address their every need. The fact that the ice skating was such a physical activity that the children would but very, very tired and exhausted when we got home was only a bonus. Besides, what better gift is there in life than the pure joy of seeing an innocent child's genuine smile (excluding 50-inch, high-def televisions)??

To make the experience more superb, I treated her to her favorite Mexican restaurant, El Mercado, that we used to frequent way back when we were undergraduates at UT, a restaurant that incidentally served CHICKEN NUGGETS. It really was a win-win situation for me: the kids were happy, I got my long-coveted beef fajita chimichanga drizzled with sour cream like a oven-fresh pastry, and my wife got her tri-colored enchiladas (three different sauces draped PERPENDICULAR to the length of the three wrapped corn tortillas rather than one enchilada per sauce--a subtle but HUGE detail in a successful dining experience.)

Yes, I think it's safe to say the enchiladas are a better anniversary gift that that "Ab Cruncher" I gave her so many naive years ago.

Anyhow, the ice skating thing for a thrill-seeking, foolish maniac like I am (to use "myself" here, although widely spoken is irritably, nonetheless, incorrect) was somewhat muted. Because of my current bad knee, I had to stick with only doing DOUBLE axels and lutzes instead of my usual QUADRUPLE one.

Actually, I was relegated to not the "skater Dad extraordinaire", but rather the "skateless guardian of shoes and purses who takes candid photos of the happy, warm skaters who also saves enough seats during the Zamboni breaks." Because of my bad knee, I had to take pleasure in the vicarious pleasures of my loved ones. It wasn't too hard to do, although sitting inside the giant refrigerator without moving for almost 3 hours (unlike the warm skaters) made my happiness and pleasure a "numb, dull, and frozen" one. A small price to pay for being not only "Husband Supremus" but "Awesome Dad" as well.

The day ended with me thawing out in front of the air vent in the Pathfinder blowing hot air on me during the hour drive home, then carrying my sleeping kids into the house. I didn't know it was possible to smile in your sleep until both my kids helped me discover it.

That evening, in my sleep, I dreamed that I was ice skating hand in hand with my entire family, my kids on the end, an chicken nugget in their free hand. If dreams really do come true, perhaps I was just envisioning the events of my 13th anniversary (which I believe IS the chicken nugget year.)

Eccentricity

Being a math teacher, I know my conic sections. Perhaps of all the cross sections of a double-napped cone (has better hair than it actually sounds), degenerates excluded. My favorite has to be the ellipse, commonly known in less mathematical circles among the non-nerdy as "ovals." Not that the circle, parabola, and hyperbola aren't fascinating and amazingly useful conics, the ellipse has always held a special place in my heart ever since I was called weird by my 1st grade teacher, and before that by my mom and dad, but what's a newborn with asthma, pneumonia, and a giant smile to do?

Yes, the ellipse is such a remarkable section of a cone. Obtained by slicing a right circular cone at such an angle is beyond parallel to the base, but not parallel to the side of the cone, so that the slice exits the other side of the cone (practice makes perfect . . . . practice!) they certainly come in all shapes and sizes and have such fascinating reflective properties. From the smallest elliptical cam gear in an engine, to the vat of water in the lithotripsy procedure, to the semi-ellipsoidal whispering rooms ("pssssst, I like math . . . . shhhhh, don't tell anyone . . ." ) in capital rotundas, to the giant orbital paths of celestial bodies, ellipses certainly are hard to pigeonhole.

A lithotripter and a lithotriptor

It's the measure of the "oblongness" of an ellipse that has stolen my heart. Some "ovals" are almost as perfectly circular as a poorly balanced tire, while some are nearly as flat as a math student's enthusiasm in the classroom after Christmas break. The measure of this "roundness," "flatness," "oblongness," or "who cares-ness" is called the eccentricity for the ellipse, where "eccentricity" literally translates to "out of round" in some obscure, non-English language.

You see, every ellipse has two points along the longer axis set in from the edges called the "foci," pronounced "Fo-ci." The numerical signature of every ellipse is simply the ratio of the distance from the center to a single focus (singular for "fo-ci"), called the focal length to the distance from the center to one edge along the longer side, called the "semi-major axis length." The closer these foci are to the center, the rounder the ellipse and the closer the eccentricity is to zero, a number whose symbol looks startlingly like a round circle. The further these foci are from the center (and the closer they are to the edge), the flatter the ellipse and the closer the eccentricity is to one, a number whose Arabic symbol looks startlingly like a flat line standing on edge.

How "out of round" are you??

So I guess my penchant for ellipses comes from our affinity for being "eccentric," a term we prefer over "weird," or "oval," and much like the (former) planet of Pluto, whose orbit had the most eccentric orbit in our Solar System, we have grown up ostracized, criticized, misunderstood, and even castigated, abandoned, and excommunicated from our peers.

Oval Outcasts

Anyway, to make a long, boring story short and boring, I've been thinking about ellipses again recently not only because of my non-sequitur, high-brow humor among my friends and family, but mainly because of my new, low-impact ELLIPTICAL running machine.

With my bad knee and inability to pound the pavement like I'm akin to do, I've purchase an artificial running device that allows me to torture myself without leaving the relative comfort of my garage. Supposedly "better" on the knees because of its smooth, eccentric motion, the experience feels very unnatural, synthetic, and goofy. Having not exercised since July through no lack of trying, my first 30 minutes on it this morning sent me into what I called my "post elliptical cardiac infarction." I really felt like I was going to die, not just because a few of my neighbors saw me bouncing up and down in front of my table saw, but because a felt like my heart was going to explode.

But whether it's enduring criticism or exercising, if you do it enough, you get increasingly better at it.


In the case of the elliptical, I'm hoping that the more time I spend on it, ironically, the LESS out of round my body will be.

I'm not sure there's much hope for my personality (I'm an INTJ).

Start Over

Today is a day of new beginnings, the first day of the year. It is a day that brings new opportunities, new hopes, and new expectations. Although it is just another day in the continuum of our lives, January 1st is a symbolic that we, under the Gregorian Calendar, attach importance to.

Not only do we need to go out an purchase new 12-month calendars, but we are urged to rush in and buy remaining 2008 autos at never before heard of low prices in order to make room for new models. We are hastened to take advantage of 1-day only blowout, door-busting prices at local merchants, sales that won't recur until later in the week.

It's a day the local hospital and its pregnant denizens race and push and breath and push some more to be the first to give birth to the first baby of the year. It's also a day that all of our hospital insurance deductibles reset to zero, which means we all walk around a little more careful and cautious as to avoid any foolish, unnecessary trips to emergency room.

Today also marks the beginning of the end of the college football season, as we jockey for position on the sofa in front of the television to watch any of the multitude of interesting bowl games, a tune up for the NFL playoffs and the upcoming Super Bowl. But as many sit around and cheer for their favorite team, they do so with new found restraint and resolve, avoiding excessive potato chips, dips, fatty foods, beer, and other unhealthy, hedonistic habits.

Yes, New Year's Day is a day of ephemeral resolutions, a definitive day on a new calendar to start a clean slate and live more productive, salubrious lives.

Today, many vow to themselves or to others that they will eat less and exercise more. To save more and spend less. To smoke less and breathe more. To drink less alcohol and bump into fewer things. To spend more time with family and friends and blog less. To reduce stress and increase rest, relaxation, and recreation. To spend more time learning something new, like playing a musical instrument, speaking a foreign language, or how to do laundry (different colors, different temperatures, with or without bleach, . . . ) To get organized and file away all those papers on top of the filing cabinet, find that buried can of black-eyed peas in the back of the pantry, or to clean out the closet full of clothes that won't be in style or fit for a few more years, or to clean out the refrigerator and finally get rid of the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers.

Whatever you decide to do today, be it to rush out and buy a closeout auto model then zip to the local Kohl's in time for the Night Owl specials, stay home and watch football with the family while munching on carrot sticks, or begin organizing your life by carefully writing down a few attainable goals for the year, I wish you luck and success in each of your endeavors and health and happiness on this new day, in this new month, in this new year, in this new life.

Excuse me now while my family and I gather around the TV to watch "Tinkerbell" over a bowl of "Healthy Heart" cereal wearing our matching "Hannah Montana" pajamas.

Oh, the festival of living!