Drink like a Tiger

Tiger Woods gets thirsty. And there's nothing that quenches his thirst like a tasty beverage, especially when it is made especially for him. No, I'm not talking about a tall glass of fresh-brewed tea made by his butler, I'm talking about something off the shelf in the supermarket that says, "formulated for Tiger Woods." I'm talking about the latest recipes (or flavors) of Gatorade.

Yes, "Gatorade Tiger" is officially on the market, available to all people named Tiger Woods and NOT named Tiger Woods. To golfers and non-golfers alike. The three new flavors contain all the replenishing electrolytes that all the other Gatorade flavors currently do, except that these new flavors say "Tiger" on them . . . and have a cool lightning bolt for the "i" in Tiger. Dang, those marketing people know how to get me hooked.

Apparently Tiger himself helped picked out the flavors, which are very indistinguishable from the other Gatorade flavors. He decided on three new "blends:" Quiet Storm (purple), Red Drive (red) and Cool Fusion (green). If it weren't for the different colors and the creative descriptions of the names on the label, you wouldn't know what the actual flavor was, but you'd sure feel like playing golf, driving a Buick, and shaving with a Gillette razor afterwards (and you'd have plenty of energy to do it!)

One of the few differences from the other Gatorades (other than the sleek, redesigned bottle) is that the Tiger line has more sodium and potassium. This means they taste more salty and more potassiumier, although it is very hard to detect. After drinking a bottle of Red Drive, I feel no different than after I've had a bottle of cherry Powerade, except for the fact that in drinking the Red Drive, I think of Tiger on Sunday, wearing his trademark red shirt, driving down the fairway to the final green, where he taps in to win another grand-slam tournament. It makes me so sick with envy, especially since he's getting money from the tournament AND from me, that I feel as different from Tiger as I possibly can. I wonder if HE actually drinks the stuff.

But wait a minute. Gatorade is starving for new product lines. They've even developed G2, a drink to drink when you're NOT training, or thirsty. It's supposed to help you stay hydrated and thin. What if they made a specially formulated drink for the number-crunching mathematician? Can you imagine the recipe that would not only increase mental stamina, but alertness, focus, and insight as well? They'd have to include Omega-3 acids, and Ginsing, and lots and lots of caffeine. A little bit of tuna fish would REALLY get the brain cells going. It really wouldn't matter which combination of fruit flavors they mixed together, so long as it was random and carried a new name and bottle design.

What WOULD the names be? x factor? Red sine? Vertical Lime? Abelian Grape? I can't tell you how many math teachers and students would be lining up to purchase the trendy elixir if they thought it would make them more like Isaac Newton.