Friday, February 1, 2008

Read All About It!

I usually don't like reading all the cute little emails that come through my Inbox. For one, it's too big a responsibility to have to forward the messages to 20 friends just to avoid some personal plague. Besides, I don't have 20 friends, so it's best just to delete them right along with the alluring offers for "discounted Vicodin" and a "larger phallus." But this morning, I read one that was actually thought provoking. It was a list of Headlines from the year 2029. I began thinking of current trends and what consequence they would have 21 years from now.
Here's the list I got:
  • Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language;
  • Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock;
  • Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped;
  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage;
  • Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels;
  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica;
  • Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking;
  • George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036;
  • Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only;
  • 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss;
  • Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs;
  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut;
  • Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative;
  • Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights;
  • Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches;
  • New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036;
  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts;
  • IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent;
  • Florida voters still have trouble with voting machines.
Here are some of my own.
  • US ranks last in math in science scores, falling behind uninhabited Antarctica, but first in "Guitar Hero" levels won.
  • President reinterprets timeless "No Child Left Behind" law, signing new educational initiative into law: "No Child Moves Forward."
  • Sylvester Stallone writes, directs, and stars in "Rambo vs. Rocky"
  • "Something for Nothing" becomes 30th Amendment to the Constitution (thanks Slupik!)
  • Students win legal battle against teachers. Ruling states that teachers violating students' rights to be stupid
  • Rolling Stones tour Europe
  • US panics over apparent dearth of pencils, as millions of math students come to class without one. Federal Grant money now allocated to grow more trees so that "no child will be without one."
  • New algorithm discovered that does long division without a calculator. Public still skeptical
  • Geometry turned on its head as ALL right triangles now classified as "special"
  • Christmas season is in full swing, as millions of youth don "Santa Claus" costumes for Halloween
  • Boomerangs are making a comeback
  • After 10 consecutive World Series titles, New York Yankees fire Don Mattingly after losing game 7 in 2029 series to Honolulu Islanders.
  • Pluto reinstated as a planet after students worldwide prefer "Nine Pizzas" to a single order of "Nachos"
  • "Madden 2029" becomes best-selling football video game since "Madden 2028"
  • Math scores on par with golf scores
  • Corduroy Pillows are making headlines
  • Surveys show that American math students feel that their erasers surpass them in intelligence
  • High School Whiz Kid invents new, high-powered, lightweight, hand-held calculator for use in math classrooms across the nation. Apparently they play games much, much faster than those currently in misuse
  • In an effort to create more opportunities for students to be successful, the Texas Board of Education has mandated that math teachers no longer require three-decimal accuracy, but to encourage students to follow each numerical answer with the suffix "-ish"
  • After a high school student injured himself on an ordinary thumbtack on school grounds, thumbtacks used in an educational setting are now required by law to have smooth, blunt ends. Upset teachers argue, "What's the point?"
  • Newest fearsome, villainous member of the World Wrestling Federation adopts moniker of "Complex Fraction"
  • Educational software company makes millions selling improved "independent study" software to school districts across the nation. "Students no longer must randomly click on answer choices until they select the correct one," a software spokesperson said. "With the new software, the correct answer is automatically highlighted." The new software also has a "hint" feature, whereby students get a blinking icon to appear by the correct answer that reads "click here!!"
  • "Caffeine induced insomnia" is now classified as a medical disorder, so students who stay up all night drinking Cokes and energy drinks, must now be legally accommodated at school. In related news, studies show more students than ever sleeping through academic lessons, while in other related news, schools nationwide still embrace the "no drinks in the classroom"
I believe I could go on and on and on, but perhaps that's another blog. What do YOU see making headlines in the future?


Anonymous said...

Your best blog yet!! Funny, funny.

Anonymous said...

Love it! So true--especially the points about more trees being grown so every student can be given a pencil, "pointless" thumbtacks, and legal accommodations for sleepy kids.

Anonymous said...

I may have to incorporate that idea of "ishs" into my curves. Lets see 10 * square root of x-ishs.

Dmac said...

......and the Emmy goes to..... Korpi for his documentary, " PI, The Really Long Number That Begins With Three."

Brenda said...

"Surveys show that American math students feel that their erasers surpass them in intelligence..."

Oh, Korpi...tell us how you REALLY feel about your students.