Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Getting Jiggly With It

Last week was a great week for fat guys, as the Florida Marlins of Major League Baseball, looking to replace their overweight slugger Miguel Cabrera, held tryouts for a new performance squad called the "Manatees." In honor of the sea cow, the squad will eventually consist entirely of overweight, but agile, men. In advertising for the try-outs, the professional organization rad ads stating the following
The Florida Marlins are looking for big bellies with the biggest jiggle, big feet with the best dance moves and enthusiasm that will rock Marlins fans out of their seats. Auditions will be held to find a few big men for the Marlins Manatees, the first-ever dance/energy squad in Major League Baseball. The Marlins Manatees will perform at Friday and Saturday Marlins' home games throughout the 2008 season. Manatee hopefuls do not need prior dance experience-just the willingness to learn routines and have a great time dancing and cheering in front of thousands of fans.

It turns out that the overweight energetic couch potatoes were rewarded simply for showing up to the try-outs, making the team simply by being their. With the try-outs taking place at 1:00 pm, the Marlins simply rewarded all the overweight guys who had enough resolve to roll in to immediately after their all-you-can-eat lunch buffet at the pizza joint down the street. I wonder if the 15 new members of the Manatees celebrated by watching the Saturday Night Live video of Chris Farley dancing with Patrick Swayze as a Chippendale's dancer.

It's hard for me to imagine how desperate the Florida Marlins organization really is to stoop to this level of corpulent debauchery. Watching sexy women in cute, revealing outfits genuinely lifts the spirits of baseball fans, which is why the Marlins have the "Mermaid" cheerleaders. But does the organization really think that fat guys in wigs and exposed hairy bellies will produce long-lasting positive effects on fan enthusiasm? Wouldn't this scenario serve better as a gimmick during the seventh-inning stretch? After all, I though Chris Farley's dancing on SNL was hilarious, but if that skit had lasted any longer, I think I might have puked. If my stomach had already been filled with warm beer and cold stadium hot dogs, I know I would have.

Is this what the Marlins want happening in the stands, assuming there ARE any people the stands? The Marlins have had the poorest attendance the past two seasons. I guess they're thinking that if they're having problem filling the seats, why not attract a crowd that require two each. Have they no respect for other people's eyes??!! Babe Ruth is turning over in his grave.

Honestly, If I was an actual manatee, I'd be downright offended. Of all the sea mammals of various sizes, amount of blubber, and levels "testosterone", wouldn't the Sperm Whale have been a better choice for a mascot?

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