Mathematical Musings: XIII

More of some of the alleged things I've said in class.

• There will be partial credit the exam. For the select few, there will be very partial credit.
• When my wife and I were at different colleges, she wasn’t then my wife, we were only dating heavily.
• Your only homework is to prepare yourself for the large celebration of mathematical knowledge extravaganza which is scheduled for next time. Come early, and get a good seat. Everyone present before the tardy bell gets a free prize, redeemable for points.
• Ok, I’m sorry for digressing there and going off on a tangent. This is, after all, Calculus.
• I saw a box of crackers the other day that read, “Stoned Wheat Crackers.” I immediately thought to myself, “Duuuuuuuude, those sound soooooooo delicious right now, I could eat the whoooooole box, Maaaaaaaan.”
• I think it’s unfair to name just one math course in relation to it’s preparation for Calculus. I think Precalculus is an appropriate name, but Geometry should be called PresquaredCalculus, Algebra II should be Precubed Calculus, Algebra I PretothefourthCalculus, and so on. Statistics should also be renamed “Analytic Prevarification.”
• That comedian is just like me, only funnier.
• Do any of y’all ever sit back, take a random object, and try to write a joke about it? For example, take this yard stick. You can say, “How do you measure acreage? With a yard stick,” or you can say, “What do you call a ruler on your lawn? A yard stick.” But the yard stick doesn’t necessarily have to be the punch line, for instance, you could say, “What did the yard stick say to the other yard stick? You rule!!” Do any of you ever do that? Or is that just me?
• Believe me when I say that our society can’t think for itself anymore. Believe me when I say we should begin to question everything again. Believe me when I say we need to lose our collective gullibility. Take my word on it.
• As much of a pain as it is to try to get good copies these day, with the machines always broken, it sure beats the old fashion way of copying. Just ask Guttenberg’s successors.
  
• Some of you are misusing the solution’s manual. I see to many of you not using your brain, but rather just copying the steps and solutions directly out of it. If you really enjoy copying that much, I’ll start having you personally make my class set of handouts.
• When I grow up, I want to be a little kid.
• I tried to explain the meaning of Pi to my three-year-old son the other day. I explained to him the upper and lower bound could be obtained by dividing a circumscribed and inscribed polygon, I used a hexagon to keep it simple, by their respective “diameters.” Afterwards, I asked him what he thought about Pi. He said, “I like Pi, Daddy. I like Blueberry Pi the best.” Apparently, he didn’t listen to a word I said. He did have a point, though: blueberry pie is darned good.
• My three-year-old son told me the other day that his favorite shape was a hexagon. Not a bad choice, I told him. The hexagon is my favorite polygon, but not my favorite shape in general. Perhaps his tastes will change as he approaches four.
• My wife and I recently bought a King-size bed for our bedroom, so that our two kids could be more comfortable at night.
• Our district wants each of its faculty members to be technologically proficient. That is, it wants each of us to learn how to use all the technology it cannot afford to buy for us to use. We have abacus training next week.
  
• I think all bathroom doors in public should open to the outside. Here’s why? Do you know how few guys wash their hands after they use the restroom? Then they grab the door handle to pull it open. After I clean up afterwards, the last thing I am required to do when I leave is grab that handle, which amounts to grabbing a handle that has touched just about every guy who has used those facilities. It makes me want to turn around and wash my hands again, but then there’s that darn handle again . . .
  
• My wife had a garage sale last weekend. Now I have nowhere to park my car.
• Is it just me, or does it defeat the purpose to have scheduled fire drills? Are our fires going be scheduled, too?
• I think the problem with today’s students, is that too many of them are only interested in being shining examples of the Law of the Conservation of Energy.
• To me, a thermal mug is a picture of a guy with a full facial beard and moustache.
• I’ll get to that idea again later when it comes to me.
• Sometimes I have a hard time getting something out of my head once it gets there. For instance, when I was five, my brother shot me in the temple with a BB gun . . .
• We cannot say that a function is either increasing or decreasing at a relative max or min. It is doing neither there. Consider Sir Edmund Hillary climbing Mount Everest for the first time. He didn’t just climb up one side and immediately climb down the other. He probably stayed at the top for a while, catching his breath, reveling in his accomplishments, taking in the view, building a small campfire, catching a bite to eat, making some yellow snow, all before he started back down again. A relative extrema is just such a resting point.
• I bet it would really suck to climb Mount Everest and think you were at the top, in which case you would start celebrating, but then you realize that there is really a lot more mountain ahead of you that was only blocked by a cloud.
• I’d rather be a mountain climber than a cave explorer. When a climber reaches the apex, the hard work is over, it’s all downhill from there. It is opposite for a spelunker. Once he reaches his nadir, and then wants out, well, that’s when he actually has to start the hard work. I like to save the easy for the last.
• It is only my own humble opinion, but I think Willie Wonka is the greatest fictional candy maker of all time.
• He who think he can or he can’t is probably confused over the true potential of his capabilities.
• Some scientists have now theorized that our universe is actually a large thin membrane, comparing our universe and parallel universes to slices of bread in a loaf. The proponents of the Global Warming theory have now predicted that if this is the case, our Universe is toast.
• What the heck is the difference between jam, jelly, and marmalade? Aren’t they all made from fruit? Don’t they all come in jars and go on toast? Shouldn’t marmalade start with a “J?”
• When I die, I want to come back as a dead guy. . . in a big, plush coffin with vaulted ceilings, on account of my being claustrophobic.
• 99.999% of the time, a graph with both a vertical asymptote and a slant asymptote will be in the opposite quadrants, or compartments, from each other, and when they are in opposite quadrants, 99.999% of the time, they will be in the acute compartments. I guess they just like small spaces.
• [Coughing, hacking, eyes tearing up] I guess I shouldn’t have eaten that toothpick. I should listen to my wife. [cough, hack, cough] NEVER, I TELL YOU! NEVER!! I AM MY OWN [Big Cough] MAN!!
• I don’t know why there is a big sign in the corner saying “Room 903?” The janitor must have put it there. You would think with three permanent signs outside the door saying “room 903” that another one inside would be unneeded. I think we can begin to say, though, with statistical confidence that as more signs labeling this room as 903 appear, that there is an increasingly likely chance that this room may be room 903.
• I like my steaks cooked medium well. I only like raw meat on rare occasions.
• It really smells like tuna, but yet you claim that no one opened a bag of tuna. How can that be? There’s something fishy going on!
• Here’s a nice problem. Would any of you like to take a male goose at it?
• The next Math Club meeting will be before the one after that, but after the last one.
• When it rains, it pours, and when it pours, it might be a pitcher.
• Look! It’s so windy outside, it blew the rider right off the swing.
• It's so windy out there, my lips get chapped just watching it.
• I think being chapped to death is the worst way to die. The only thing possibly worse is if there was a tub of Vaseline intensive care just out of your reach as you were being chapped to death. That would really chap my hide.
• The new Math Club shirts are in, so come down, pick one up and try it on, before there out.
• I cannot stand waiting around in an upright position with no place to sit.
  
• I think we should all believe in something. I believe I’ll stop talking now.
• The other night I had a dream that I was awake, then I woke up, and it was true! It was a real Disney moment.
  
• I think the food at Taco Bell is all the same. It just comes in different shapes.
• Here let me sharpen that pencil for you. How can you expect to sharpen your skills with such a dull pencil? Sharp lead, sharp mind. That’s what I’ve always said once or twice.
• I have good news today, kids. The fire drill was cancelled today due to the rain outside. In the case that there was an actual fire, I suppose it would be extinguished by all the rain. No fire, no fire drill. Apparently fires only happen in sunny weather!