Less than or equal to 1000 uses for an Emmy

This Saturday evening is the big Lonestar Emmy Award Ceremony in Dallas. My wife and I are attending the formal event as the sole representatives of "That Geometry Show," which got the nod in the "Educational/Instructional/Shows nobody watches" category. Although we are excited about attending, there will be a small issue regarding where to sit. Most TV networks will have undoubtedly reserved entire tables for producers, executive producers, executive vice-producers, assistant executive vice-producers, etc. As the only representatives of our district, not that we HAVE an assistant executive vice-producer, although my son Tate proudly wears the moniker of "best boy," we will have to either squeeze in a table between Randy Beamer and Ursula Pari (husband and wife newscasters from San Antonio), or we will be cast into the singleton section in the back corner of the hall behind the men's restroom. It's sure to be a very comfortable evening, made increasingly so by the tuxedo I'll be wearing.

But then there is the good possibility that I actually WIN the Emmy in my category (I hope they don't announce it while I'm in the men's room or sleeping. I hope they DO in fact announce it at all, and that it's NOT one of those categories that they deemed was not important and either did the day before in the lobby of some cheap Hotel 6 or got rid of altogether in the sake of saving time. In the event that they DO announce it while I'm there, and that I AM the winner, and I'm NOT in the men's room, I've already thought about who I would thank: the usual suspects with some random, esoteric references just to appear "Jack Nicholson-esque."

What's really been on my mind is what to do with the trophy AFTER I win it. Here's what's been running around in my head.

• Offer it to one of the other nominees in the category as a humble act of shameless modesty and humility, then at the last minute say . . . . . . . . . "Psyyyyyyyyy-ch"
  
• Put it in my classroom at school next to my certificate for Phase II technology proficiency at my school district.
• Use it as a paperweight on my school desk. I have two fans going at all times, and I'm always looking for something that will help my papers stay in place.
  
• Hold it in my hand forever. Left had for trophy, right had for chalk, grading pen, pumping fist, etc.
• Attach a chain to it and wear it around my neck as Bling.
  
• Put it in the trophy case at school next to the 1976 bi-district 4A football champion trophy.
• Display it in the front office at school next to the peppermint candy bowl. I think this would set the tone for any visitors at our school--programming excellence and fresh breath.
• Keep it at my parents house on their shelf next to all my little league trophies. After all, they WERE the ones who tripled the viewership by having the show on in every room of their house.
• Keep it in the basement studio where I film the show. The lack of light and atmosphere would guarantee its preservation. The producer lives there, too, so she'd keep a close eye on it. I also think she'd polish it up regularly for me.
• Display it downtown at our district offices at the receptionist's desk. Here in the dimly lit entryway, it would surely go unnoticed as it collected dust. But a small sign COULD be hung from it saying "Complimentary peppermint candies. Please take one!"
• Auction it off at a school-related function to raise money for a worthy cause, like Communities in School, Project Literacy, Head Start, or the Korpi Checking Account.
  
• Keep it at home in the kid's play room next to their action figures and Barbie dolls. I kind of think the trophy would look cute dressed in bikini bathing suit riding "My Little Pony" to a beach party with "Strawberry Shortcake."

And finally

• Put it at home in my dedicated trophy room on a pedestal in a glass case next to the empty pedestals where my anticipated Oscar and Nobel Peace prize will soon go (Hey, that seems to be the trend right now.)

Wish me luck! I'm going to need it if I expect to sit at Randy Beamer's table!