Thursday, October 2, 2008

Going through the mail.

Today as I got home, I checked the mail as usual. Always eager to see if there is a bonus check from work in there or an anonymous delivery of an envelope full of $100 bills, I'm usually content to have only one or two bills, a new "Sports Illustrated" magazine, and as little junk mail as possible. By the way, Kohl's is having another sale today. Anyway, today, aside from finding money in the mailbox, I hit the jackpot.

Not only did I get a new "Sports Illustrated," but I got the newest edition of my "Runner's World" magazine as well. Although I cannot play sports now or run anymore (read my previous blogs regarding my recent knee surgery), at least I can read about people who do. At least I can still drive. Hey speaking of driving, my new vehicle registration sticker came from the county tax assesor/collector (yeah, that seems like a job for him.) I can hardly wait to scrape off the old one and put the new one on. I sure hope I get it on the windshield straight, lest everyone who drives passed me will know that I'm hasty, inept, apathetic, or all three!

Then there's the brochure from the local "Arts Council," a group who believes that the plural non-possessive form of their name is more "beautiful" than singular or plural possessive. With the fancy colored calligraphy on the front, I can't say I don't agree. I guess that's what they would call "poetic license." Of course, it doesn't take long to realize that the brochure is less of an update on all the artistic goings-on in the organization and more of a solicitation for donations, donations that are needed to further send out unsolicited mailings to Art and Grammar enthusiasts and non-enthusiasts alike. They DO include a very compelling argument of "enrichment" and a few clever puns like "impART" and "become a pARTner. I WOULD like to support them with a donation, but I have too many magazine subscription bills to pay. I wish them the best.

The next brochure I came across was for a professional nursing seminar for my wife's continuing education contact hours. We get them practically every other day for issues ranging from "coping with club foot" to "helping people to quit smoking . . . again" to "cleaning and disinfecting paper cuts caused by opening junk mail." Today's 6 hour credit opportunity was not only "open to ALL professionals," limited to "one per person," but was to cover "Hormones & Health." Participants had the option of attending a real-live seminar, or an imaginary-word "Webinar" to receive real credit. I guess ALL professionals are expected to pick up on the cutesy, self-explanitory, eponymous new word to mean "learn about 'Health and Hormones' at home on the internet, where you don't have to actually talk to sickly, cranky people." The brochure goes on to list the course objectives, a very popular trend in education, such as "List the effects of Vitamin D deficiency in the body and current treatment options." HELLO! Hasn't the "CE International" company ever heard of "google?" That's MY definition of "Webposium," err . . . I mean "Webinar." Because my wife is currently up to date in her hours, this interesting piece of mail gets filed under "used coffee grinds."

Then there's the savory, colorful, almost scented mailing from our very own "New Braunfels Smokehouse," a local vendor that makes the most outstanding smoked meats and cheeses you'll ever pay too much for. You should visit them at Please tell them I sent you. They'll have no idea who I am, but I'd like for you to see the look on their faces. Actually, I went to school with the company president's son. I assure you, that you've got to taste their jerky, turkey legs, and sauerkraut, which reminds me, I'm supposed to be cooking dinner tonight. Text written in cyberspace on a blog is not very filling or nourishing . . . in the physical sense. I'd like to think that me typing this and you reading this is as mentally nourishing as a turkey leg from "New Braunfels Smokehouse" is physically noursihing.

The last piece, or pieces actually, of paper that someone thought was worth their pretty penny to send me was, a double dose of salvation, or at least an invitation to one. Normally, I feel pretty blessed to receive one flyer a week from the newest non-denominational church. Some offer rock music instead of traditional hymns. Some offer a casual atmoshphere instead of suit and tie. Some offer sermons that are hip, funny, and relevant to today's pressing issues as opposed to traditonal dry dogma. Today I was miraculously blessed with two, count them two invitations to two different churches. One's glossy, colorful flyer offered a taste of the Snow-capped Rocky Mountains as only Brother Theo can thoroughly sell here in the Hill Country. The other promised the prospect of skydiving, eating dessert, travelling, scuba diving, quitting my job, spending more time with my family, telling my kids I love them, climbing Everest, sailing, blowing all my money, giving more hugs, and making art. Whew! That must be some giant, well-established church. No. In fact, they were advertising all of this as their "Grand Opening" special!!!

This upstart church that is currently meeting at the local Y.M.C.A. is making big promises. Their entire theme is "One Month to LIVE!" Ironically, they offer 6 week sermon series showing you have to spend your 4 weeks to its fullest. At least the other flyer kept it mathematically feasible (barring a miracle) in its advertisement.

Before I tossed each of them into the recycle bin on top of the used coffee grinds, I made a conscious point to choose betwixt the two. I went with Pastor Theo and his Rocky Mountain imagery. I think it was the totally random picture of a Cheetah, yes, a CHEETAH, behind him that assured me that he had a sense of humor.

With that, I concluded the sorting of the daily mail, and I said a prayer that tomorrow would bring more anonymous envelopes stuffed full of $100 bills.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I thought you were kidding about the cheetah, but, no, there really is a cheetah and snow-capped mountains. I'm going to have to start looking at the junk mail a little closer. There's some funny stuff in there.