Mathematical Musings: XI

More of what I have purportedly said in class through the years:

• . . .so the population comes out to 803,773.869 people. Mathematicians are very interested in that .869th of a person. Many actually like numbers better than people. People more concerned with humanity will give that .869th person the benefit of the doubt and make them a whole person.
• When taking the derivative of an exponential function that is not the natural base, you must remember to multiply, not divide by, the natural log of that base. To help you remember: "P-roduct" has a "P" in it, and so does "ex-P-o-nent." Wow, when you say that really slowly with a certain emphasis, you might think is was giving you a vulgar command.
• Well, our daughter was born last Thursday. We named her Jenna. Because she was born with so much hair, her middle name is Fur. Her full name is now Jenna Fur Korpi.
• That was very deep!! You ought to send that into Reader's Digest. They have a page just for people like you.
• If you just punch in the numbers into your calculator and hit enter, it spits the answer out, but you won't get wet because the plastic screen acts like a splash guard.
• I have no use for a cell phone. I don't have an exaggerated sense of my importance, and I think talking to other people is overrated. Besides, what's wrong with writing a letter?
• I didn't have to pay a thing for my home gym. I furnished it with free weights.
• Today in class I reviewed subtraction with my students. I hope it made a difference.
• You can bring your assignment to me this afternoon or tomorrow morning, whichever comes first.
• I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, which wouldn't have been bad, except my bed is up against a wall, and now, I have this huge Sheetrock repair.
• Why were you absent last class? Were you sick or just ill?
• My son doesn't listen very well. No matter how many times I tell him, he just won't sit still while I tickle him.
• I always afraid to go to functions where large crowds are gathered because in the event of an accident, I would hate to hear the words, "Is there a mathematician in the house?"
• If we don't find the solution, who will? Should we employ a search party?
• All the easy theories have already been taken. Hooke had it easy.
• I should have started making these clever comments later in the year, because I believe I am running out of them.
• When you sleep in my class, please have the courtesy to remain sleeping while I talk about you.
• Don't believe everything you read in the dictionary.
• If you think integrals are fun, let me tell you about double and triple integrals.
• There is a limit at that point, and the limit is infinity.
• Pardon me, I was just caught in a repetitive loop of self-indulgence.
• The following problem could be on the test, but it won't, so take good notes.
• The good thing about being a math major in college, was that the labs weren't very smelly, unless you count my unkempt TA.
• Now where was I, before I so rudely interrupted myself?
• Is he salivating because of my savory lecture, or is he slobbering on his desk in his sleep?
• If theorems were people, this one would be my best friend.
• On any Chemistry test, I think it's important to know your basic acids.
• The only math I am requiring y'all do over summer is to count the days until you are in my math class again next year.
• There won't be extra credit on the exam, but I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll give you full credit for everything you do right.
• If each of you spent as much time studying for your final exam as you spent trying to find ways of making the test easier, you'll accomplish your goal.
• You are all making me so angry asking me to leave class that I'm this close to granting your wishes.
• Difficult problems are only torture to the dedicated math student who actually labors over them and is interested in finding their solutions. The rest of y'all only are interested in complaining about them.
• I'm Mr. Korpi. This is my brain, and this is my dry-erase marker: my instruments of math instruction.
• Don't be fooled by the proofs that I got, I'm still Korpi from the block.
• I think I'll go to the barber today after school. I'm going to have my hair cut longer.
• No, I didn't get a haircut, I just combed my hair shorter today.
• The word is not rel-ishing, but relish-ing, which is the act of putting diced pickle products on hot dogs.
• Korpi: Please don't ever call me 'guy' again. It's a little too informal. Student: OK 'man.'
• Shhhhhhh. Listen everybody . . . . .Do y'all smell that?
• You can use your notes on the exam as long as you use them inside your zipped backpack, which won't really help you unless you are a contortionist, but even then, I think it would be too dimly lit to see anything.
• Just because you see me doesn't mean I'm here, anymore than not seeing me means I'm not here.
• If you should find any mistakes on the exam, please raise your hand so that I can tell you to disregard them.
• You want a hint. OK, here's your hint. "Look not in the grassy knoll."
• Student: Can I burn my textbook? Korpi: Sure. Are you cold? I hear that math textbooks make good fire fuel, especially the chapter on logs.
• . . . and I was so touched by her sincere gratitude in her 'thank you' note for the letter of recommendation I gave her, that I wrote her a 'thank you' note, to which she replied . . .
  
• I'm persistent. Only after trying it from 90 different Angles did I get it Right.
• If you have any mathematical emergencies over the summer, please do not hesitate to call me. I'm there to help.
• Before you turn in your textbooks for the year, please remove the book cover that it never had and make sure it is your name that you never wrote written in it.
• I'm going to try really hard not to miss you this summer, except if you were a bad student and I see you while I'm out driving in my car.