Mathematical Musings: XIV

More profoundly shallow dribble from my math classes

• I got a note from a student’s parent the other day that said, “Please excuse ‘so and so’s’ tardy. We were running late.” I wrote a note back saying, “Please excuse my incredulity, I was in disbelief.”
• OK! It’s 2 in the afternoon in a Calculus class. I have one question to ask: Who’s makin’ bacon? I’m starting to salivate, and it’s not over this math problem!
• I realize the test is a little long, but I promise I will give you sufficient time to incomplete it.
• The janitor outside uses his shoe to remove scuff marks from the floor. When he’s hard at it, his sneakers squeak so much, you’d swear he was playing a game of one-on-none with himself.
• Student: Will you write me a letter of Recommendation? Korpi: Sure, but it all depends on what you want me to recommend you for. Tell you what, you write one, and I might sign it. Thanks. By the way, I’ll need it by tomorrow.
• The 3-dimensional Moebius Torus is a twist on the 2-D Moebius Strip.
• Time, Money, and Quality are three competing resources. You can usually have only two of them at the expense of the third.
• Today we will be starting a Calculus lesson on Optimization. I am going to try to cram as much information as possible into the lesson in the allotted amount of time.
• As your understanding of the second derivative matures, your knowledge will increase at an increasing rate, meaning, it will be concave up.
• Patience now, patience. There are plenty of exams to go around. In fact, there are so many questions on this test, we can make two or three out of them.
• The test is not long, only eleven and a half inches down each of the 5 pages on which it is typed--8 point narrow font . . .
• If the radius of the coke can was as large as it could be, the height would be zero. What I’d get from the Coke machine wouldn’t be a can at all, it would be two large aluminum disks sandwiched around an infinitely thin layer of air. But I don’t want a sandwich! I’m not hungry, I’m thirsty, and that’s why I tried to buy Coke.
• There is a much easier way to do this problem if you would just quit making it so difficult.
• As much as it hurts to get hit by rocks, I think it would hurt even more to get hit by frozen rocks.
• I can't even imagine being chapped to death. I need my Carmex just thinking about it.
• Your indefinite integral needs to be more definitive.
• Just in case you all didn’t know, here’s some mathematical trivia: Zero is neither positive, nor is it negative. It is neutral. It’s the numerical equivalent of Switzerland.
• We used to have an organ growing up, but my mom ended up giving it to Goodwill. She said it was a very noble thing to be an organ donor.
• When I die, I’m going to leave my Pianos to Goodwill and my Organs to Science.
• When I say “jump,” you say “how high?” When I say, “don’t jump,” you don’t say, “how low?”
• Do you know that our school board just spent almost 40 grand on a consultant just to tell them how they can save money? Doesn’t that seem odd to you? I always knew that it took money to make money, but apparently now it takes money to save money.
• I wouldn’t call Precalculus a breeze. A strong Gale, though, I would, perhaps a furious hurricane.
• Of course I’m not going to read your Calculus Christmas Carol to the entire class, Carols are written to be SUNG!
• Bye! Have an edible Lunch (as students leave the class to go to lunch.)
• So far, in my 29 short years, I have successfully avoided death. On some Friday nights in high school, I also successfully avoided having a life.
• When all else fails, hit all the buttons at once.
• Call me Korpi Klaus, bringer of Glad Tidings and Mathematical Merriment.
• When we go Calculus Caroling, it won’t work unless we all sing, but even then it probably still won’t, but I want everyone to try, so if you get embarrassed easily, pretend that you don’t.
• Hello class, we are the AP calculus class, and we are about to sing some Christmas carols like you’ve never heard . . Believe me!!!! Please save all your jeering until the very end.
• It’s funny that you heard us caroling and came running to see what it was. It’s usually the other way around.
• Hello, we are the AP calculus class, and we are going to sing some modified Christmas Carols for you. So if you are planning to take Calculus in the future, you have something to look forward to. To succeed in Calculus, you not only need to be good at math, but you must have a high tolerance for public ridicule.
• Your test will be multiple choice, but not on Scantron. If you write your answer choices straight down the left-hand side of your paper, I can grade them just as quickly. I usually have the letter sequence memorized by the third paper. I usually make some type of word out of them, for example: “AahBeBeCeEeeAahAahBeCeeDahDahAahEeeCeDah”
• While speaking with the Principal this morning, totally against my will, I discovered two ways to avoid speaking to him altogether. All you have to do is one of the following: Discuss something intelligent with him – or – speak with a sense of humor. He hates them both, apparently.
• As a potential author of several books, I don’t care if people read the books I haven’t written, as long as they buy them.
• I will now pass around this small package of table salt. When it comes to you, please remove only one grain from the package, because what I have to tell you, I want you to take with a grain of salt: “I only have one packet to share among all of us. Hard to believe, I know.”
• Student: “How long has it been taking the other classes to finish the test?” Korpi: “Oh, about 28 questions.”
• Korpi: “Hey, I just found a dollar bill out in the hall. This must be my lucky day!” Student: “Oh, that’s mine I just dropped it.” Korpi: “Really! Ok, then, can you describe what it looks like?” Student: “Yes, it’s green and has a picture of George Washington on the front.” Korpi: “Oh, so close. I’m sorry, though. This one is green, too, but it has a picture of George Washington on the back, not the front.”
• Any positive number is bigger than any negative number, for example, one is much bigger than negative one million.
• The definite integral gives the NET area, not necessarily the gross area. For example, in this problem there are 4 inches below the x-axis and 1 square inch above the x-axis. If I was looking to carpet this area, I would need to order 4+1=5 square inches of carpet, which is hardly worth ordering to begin with. However, the definite integral gives us the net area: the area below the x-axis is negative, and positive above, so the net area is negative 4 plus one which is negative 3 square inches. That amount of carpet would be even harder to order.
• Bye, Bye. Have fun with that math homework. Do all you want; I’ll make more.
• I don’t really like the taste of lipstick. I won’t even kiss my wife if she’s wearing it. Incidentally, she won’t kiss me either if I’m wearing it, but for a different reason, of course.
• Students: “Mr. Korpi, how’d you hurt your knee?” Korpi: “Well I was 4-wheeling, then I was suddenly zero-wheeling.”
• Students: “Mr. Korpi, how’d you hurt your knee?” Korpi: Well, let’s just say that it is very, very important to stretch prior to working very large math problems.”
• Students: “Mr. Korpi, how’d you hurt your knee?” Korpi: Well, let’s just say holding your breath does nothing to cushion your fall off of a 9 foot tall set ofMonkey Bars."
• Don’t forget to get me that newspaper when you come back from lunch, if you remember.
• Korpi: “Don’t make fun of the way I dress. My wife picks out my clothes for me, so laugh at my wife.” Students: “Really?! Your wife picks out your clothes?” Korpi: “Of course not, sillies. It was just a joke. That’s still my mom’s job!”
• Did you all hear President Bush’s new Mars proposal. He said that the U.S. was fixin’ to get ready to think about making plans to plan a trip that would land us on Mars sometime.
• For those of you who think Hitler is still alive, he’d be 114 today!—April 20, 2003
• This is the worst week I’ve had in a couple of days.
• Alright! Which one of you young ladies was first? You? OK, then. I’m sorry, but you are just going to have to wait your turn!
• We all make mistakes. In this case, it was quite an obvious mistake we should have recognized sooner. It was right there in front of our noses the whole time. But if you think about it, how often during the day do you actually see your nose. Unless you cross your eyes, or have a really big nose, you can’t see it, you just trust that it’s there. Right now, for instance, I assume my nose is still there, because if it wasn’t you would all be laughing or being grossed out. Y’all would be like, “Wow! Look, Michael Jackson is our Calculus Teacher!” But I’m too dark to be Michael Jackson. I’d have to prove that I wasn’t just by Moonwalking during a math problem. So as I was saying . . .
• I’m a math teacher. Even my dreams are boring. In fact, they are so boring, they put me to sleep.