Uncaffeinated

Did today really happen?

This morning I administered a 4-hour AP Government exam in an otherwise empty high school. With limited people on staff and being entrusted with "top secret" testing booklets, answer sheets, and a hermetically sealed "Red Folder," I knew that getting a bathroom break during those morning hours from 7:30 to 11:30 was going to be about as likely as everyone showing up to their test this morning on time--not going to happen. With no one available to relieve me so that I could relieve myself, and not wanting to to breech the security of this all-important exam, I had to adjust my usual routine. Thankfully, my ability to plan in advance is keener than my addiction to my morning pot-o-coffee. So I thought . . .

Consequently, I drank just two cups of the stimulating diuretic, which means that a) I didn't have to bring the entire class of test-takers to the bathroom with me, and b) I remained in a hazy fog all morning. With a 17-year pattern of sipping pots of highly-caffeinated java in order to jump start my brain, having only fraction of my usual amount is like letting a Facebook addict update their status only ONCE a day. Although I was able to read the testing script like a more "animated" robot and keep at least one eye on the AP testers, it was a good thing I didn't have to stand and teach. The entire morning felt like something I was dreaming rather than living. If it weren't for the massive headache I was slowly acquiring, I might have thought I was actually inside of a caffeine-deprivation nightmare.

After testing, I thought a chopped-beef sandwich, 64-ounces of caffeine-enriched sweet tea, and stimulating lunch conversation with my wife would be just what I needed. Well, the BBQ was delicious, the conversation was cathartic, but all the tea did for me crave the bathroom, which I was at least able to use without an entourage.

Still sleepy. Still in a fog.

Back at the house after picking up the kids (how did I get there? Autopilot? Did my son drive? He's only 8, but he IS awake . . . ) my kids wanted to play in the sprinkler. Great! What better way to finally wake up than a shower of cold water combined with running to and fro. Do you know how difficult it is to run when you're sleepy and wet and cold? My headache was really pounding now and was only accentuated when muddy kids' feet found there way into the house.

Then, get this, my kids wanted to watch a movie and dress in their pajamas! I don't know if they sensed my desire to just go back to bed, or because I was already wearing my loungewear, but I wasn't about to deny my kids the happiness and joy that comes from an afternoon PF party. I put a DVD in the bedroom (dark, cozy, inviting bedroom with a giant comfy bed) and we got underway. Then I started feeling guilty. . .

I left the kids with their movie and began my P90X Plyometric workout. If 60 minutes of jump training with Tony Horton wouldn't cure my of my lethargy, nothing would. As I began, I thought of my old college roomate who used to do situps in his sleep. We never knew how he got those 6-pack abs until I caught him one night while I was suddely awoken from choking during one of my "sleep eating" episodes. Exercising in your sleep is great if you are not consciously aware of it. Exercising while you're SLEEPY just plain sucks.

With that, I gave up all hope and went to finish the movie with the kids. I was asleep before my son finished filling me in on the plot.


I awoke later when my wife came home, still with a headache and still in a funk. With the movie long over, luckilythe kids were still in the house and hadn't started any fires with the food they were making on the stovetop.

All in all, I've had a miserably exhausting day doing pretty much nothing, and it all started with my intellect solving a problem of strategic bladder control. I'm going to try to survive the evening, with the help and support of my alert, cognizant family.

Tomorrow, I don't care if I have to take a busload of strangers to the bathroom with me, I'm getting back into my routine of having that pot of hot, steamy, aromatic, Black Silk coffee and enjoying the buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Can you just GO so we can go!!