Mathematical Musings: XV

More silly classroom banter spoken by me in the heat of a mathematical moment.

• If each of you (students) don’t live up to my expectations, it is your failing, not my mistake.
• Last week, I kept getting this Pop-Up ad for Viagra; it was like the ad, itself, was on the stuff.
• If I don’t see y’all ‘til next time, have a great time ‘til then, or even better.
• I have graded your tests. Some did better than others, some worse than others. One person did no worse than anyone, and one also did no better than anyone. The lowest grade was below the top score, which was above the lowest. The rest of the grades were distributed between the high and low grade. So, overall, the grades were somewhere between zero and 100, with the lowest score not being zero, but the highest grade actually being 100. I will hand them back to you now.
• After this problem, we will be closer to being close to almost being ready to be fixing to be almost done.
• Thanks for catching my error. I knew something wasn’t right. It just didn’t feel right when I did it. I was thinking, “Did I leave the iron on at home? No, I don’t iron. Did I forget my car keys this morning?” As it turned out, I just missed a negative.
• Korpi: “Here’s the last of the easy ones . . .” Student: “Ya, before you beat us to death with the hard ones.” Korpi: “No, No, No! I prefer to call it 'flogging'.”
• Because this class asks much more profound and probing questions than the other class; consequently, we have more lively discussions. Also, consequently, we have to go more quickly through the lesson. But, more intelligent people ask more intelligent questions, and, more intelligent people can learn more quickly. So to get the lesson in, I usually have to talk 90-to-nothing, almost intelligibly fast. I am confident that you will either get the lesson or quit asking so many darn questions.
• It’s OK in our answer if we restrict the domain. The domain of our answer can be a subset of the domain of our original function. What we don’t want to happen is for the original problem’s domain to be a proper subset of our answer. Think of the dire and irreversible consequences!!!
• Although my daughter is 10 months old, when people ask how old she is, I say, “Zero.” From this, they infer, usually, if they don’t breathe through their mouth, that she is in the interval of the non-inclusive interval of zero to one. Some people think she is actually zero, even thought they don’t even realize that that is impossible.
• What a great lesson I have in store for you today. Today you are going to say, “Wow! I can’t believe public education is FREE!” I haven’t been this excited about a lesson since last time.
• The best way to avoid discipline problems in the classroom is a heavy dose of cheesy, really cheesy jokes. The kids will get used to them and come to expect an order of free queso with every lesson.
• OK, you say we should preserve the domain at all costs. I say, it’s OK to restrict it, so long as we don’t expand it. It’s a matter of preference really. I’m the teacher, which means, I’m the boss. If there is no real profound mathematical consequence, you will do as I say, or your class rank will drop. Otherwise, we are just splitting hairs, and when I say hairs, I mean like on the top of your head, not bunnies. That’s for biology class, AND that’s how the real-world works.
• Today is a free day. I’m really tired. If you object, please take it up with the Principal. To keep it on the level, though, as I sleep, you may calculate the area under my curve. Please use theoretical data rather than empirical. I would like to live to sleep another day.
• Yes I drink a full pot of coffee each day, and I put it all in this big giant mug. And that’s all I need, just one cup a day, then. Don't tell me that it’s bad for me, too much caffeine, etc. If caffeine is bad for you, then everything is bad for you. I’ll honestly say that the fumes from that powerful bold-colored green dry-erase marker are more detrimental than caffeine . . . but for you students, in the name of mathematics, I assume the risks. It just comes with the job of being a math teacher.
• To student: Your homework is like a really good steak—rarely done.
• My marvelous masters of math meddle in my mistakes, making my mishaps material for mathematical merriment.
• All arrays aren’t always arranged alphabetically.
• Mathematical mastery mitigates matriculation misery.
• Determining Derivatives Demands Dedicated, Diligent Disciples.
• Homework helps hone helpful habits.
• Confidently calculating complex calculus computations commands committed concentration.
• Learning limits lightly is, loosely, lunacy.
• Intimately investigation infinitesimals introduces initiates and ingrates to infinite ideas.
• Participation prepares people positively for purposeful pursuits.
• Most matters of math muster the mind’s mighty muscle.
• Knowing numbers is a non-negotiable necessity.
• Proving postulates purports painstaking persistence and presupposes patience.
• Educators endure enormous entourages of energetic ensembles.
• Alliteration almost automatically alleviates ailments . . . Anyways . . .
• Painful persistence pertaining to particular procedures promotes prolonged procurement of proper practices.
• Functions form the fundamental foundations of finite formulas for finding forces.
• Fall finals foster fear for fatuous fellows who frantically forget formulas.
• Starting spring semesters signal salient, sallying sounds of seniors singing saporous, seductive songs of summer.
• Trig’s tricky triangular tasks take time to tackle triumphantly.
• The real roots of romance aren’t reason or ‘rithmetic, rather reducible to raw, robust regard for roses.
• The terminable task of taking the TAKS test is torturous and taxing, though tacitly tolerable.
• You say I drink too much coffee. 10 cups a day! Big deal. You should see my coffee maker. It can make 12 cups at a time. So to me, 10 cups is already in moderation.
• Man, this Calculus book is heavy. I get tired of lifting it up on my podium. It must really suck to be y’all, having to carry it around all day with all those other books. Man it sucks to be y’all. . . . And all that math homework you have. . .
• Although my big huge mug says, “Texas Tea Cup,” it’s just a false front, a cover, for what it really contains. No, my friends, it doesn’t contain any tea at all. It really contains the warmer, equally caffeinated drink: coffee. It’s so fun to fool people.
• That was a great discussion we had today. Thank y’all for being so mathematically feisty.
• A function and an inverse have all their y-ey and x-ey stuff switched. What is "exy' on the function is now very "exy" on its inverse.
• Calculus is so much fun because we get to have some great philosophical discussions regarding zero and infinity. They are such seriously profound and related concepts that history has had many sects devoted entirely to them. That’s s-e-c-t-s. Probably fewer of the other type.
• Korpi: “I know I promised that this would be the last problem we work today in class, but I want to work just one more, because I think it will help you in the homework.” Student: “So you’re a compulsive liar, huh?” Korpi: “No. Just call me a ‘Friday Fibber’.” Student: “So you aren’t a compulsive liar?” Korpi: “Yes, I am. I was just lying earlier.”
• Dang!!! I hate these white dry-erase markers. I never know where to erase!
• The slower I talk, the sleepier I get!
• I think the past participle of “to drink” should be “have drinken,” not “have drunk.” I think the word “drunk” should be reserved for times when you say, “Dang, I’m drunk! I guess I have drinken too much!”
• There are only 2 minutes left for the quiz. You should be getting really close to making your final guesses.
• Korpi: “Boy, it sure feels like a Friday today!” Student: “But, today is Friday.” Korpi: “Hence the veracity of my previous statement!”